Crying is not for kids.

Tears take all away.

Thank God for the creation of tear ducts. I may be a fish sulking the whole time, a tap flowing with water most of the time, I cry, I sob, like an immature child, but I realize it is only for the better - In order to burn calories regain composure and logic mindset.

(To avoid misunderstandings, I am not atheist, nor I am a Christian. I'm merely agnostic, which by the way means I believe that existence and nonexistence of God cannot be proved. Hence, the mediocre usage of the word "God". Bear with me, both Christians and atheists.)

I shall not be mentioning Yale or some stupid Ivy university now. Being in a "normal" college, maybe will bring more challenge, in the sense that I will do lots of stuff ON MY OWN. I shan't depend on some PhD lecturer for best consultation, I shan't depend on great dorms to live in for comfort, I will have my way of doing stuff. As long as there is a piano.

With you, dear, I can do anything.

Except playing that note with my right little finger. =_= Such an excruciating task.

p/s: Thank you, Justine, for standing by me via msn! =D

p/s/s: Faiz, welcome onboard! :D

Inner strength

does not exist.

It's some fancy thing you get in dramas. In TV. Or more accurately, in fantasies.

One second you will post something like: Reality is harsh, all you can do is face it.

The next nanosec, you will most probably be having the thought that your life may be the most miserable one on earth and even the most adept engineers cannot crack it.

Why are you shutting up? Why aren't you speaking up? Why?

Why?

Just tell it!

Say it!

I want the music and chemistry, I want the best, I want to meet awesome profound people!

All of it!

No, you silly! All you want is to look good and show off you have the perfect life!

Life? Does it even exist? Though I feel I might be physicalist in terms of philosphy. You're all mere stupid bunches of meat and bone, acting in a weirder way than a bunny.

No!! I have soul! I feel things. I feel the world.

Bullshit. Nonsense.

You, yeah, you're just blogging on this because you want attention huh? You want to make it like you're the most miserable person on earth, are you not?! Pathetic! Don't you know everyone goes through this? Your feelings - Just ignore them! They're mere automated response by chemicals in your body! You're majoring in chemistry, don't you realize?! Fuck off, you!

Lay there, stare. Nothing's gonna happen. You'll just end up with your mediocre lower life in the gutters. It's always like that. You'll just end up satisfying yourself with some lousy piano, and illegally downloaded scores. And live happily ever after, closing up everything to not more than 5 squarefeet around you. That, is your world.

of inhumane entities and dilemma.

Geez.

Geez.

Geez.

Geez.

Geez.

I can't believe I've spent this whole day dreaming and surfing through Ivies and getting all the application and informative documents printed as soon as I got the new toner for my printer (woohoo!) again.

Gawsh. Someone slap me up please?

I need to ace this SAT thingy, yet I'm wasting time blogging here while there's some gruelsome 5000-vocab-list which needs my loving attention. Not to mention I seriously need to work on maths since Calculus 2 is on its way. And that freaking seductive, lusty bitch Chemistry book. Gah. Kyrie eleison! =_=

I simply kenot bear this entity. URGH. ARGH. IRGH. GAH.

No more blogging for me until I finish reading all 5000 words. Woohoo. Not.

The last time my hypothalamus malfunctions.

Gah. Almost committed to a kamikaze attempt just now.

"Tekanlah minyak sikit!"

Indignation and my stupid pride. HaaHaaHaa.

But bah, who cares?! I passed WOOHOOO! :D

Now that is awesome.

Wanna know what's more brilliant? Here:

- Invigilators love playing with nervous students.

- Never watch profound movies before you go to sleep. You end up not sleeping.

- Thanks to all my friends for your support! (Even if you're not aware of it!)

- I'm going to crash in bed in...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

The number you have dialled is currently unavailable. Please try again later.

Destination: Nowhere

Geh. Been drinking water?

Fruit drops and brilliance!

Conjugated Linoleic Acid ftw =D

Haahaahaa just ignore my lament.

Woke up from a millenium sleep to reply some friend who's on some sort of com rehab, via text. Glad to catch up with this resolute and amiabe friend.

I don't even wanna take that pile of vocab out anymore.

Grueling. It also felt excruciating to even look at the pile of brochures and catalogs brought back from MACEE, or even think about surfing those massively bewildering university sites and ransacking the piles of words for 'Undergraduate Lower Division Transfer Requirements'. Gah, I've gotten sick of it! Guess I ain't no techno savvy at all.

All I wanna avoid is also tomorrow. I screwed up the mountain part at drivings today, twice. The engine died again today, twice. And I think I'm gonna hit myself tonight in the head, twice. Tomorrow's the examination day, and I'm still so shaky on attaining total coolness and confined confindence (what the fugg am I rambling about?).

Likzzzzzzzz. All I wanna say is zzz. Please come back so we can go out and I can leave this state of gruelsome at home? Gawsh. I'm in utter exigency of unhealthy chat! Erica you too! BALIK SINI! T^T

When will I be able to abstain from indulging in humane emotions and mediocre behavior? I seriously need to get mechanized and be as systematic as possible. And get real.

Tis NOW or NEBER!

Zhushko

Agh-doye!

Gawsh, never order 'spicy chicken' at Pasta Mania.

Ever.

It hurts. (Wonder if it's cousin to the DreadMill?)

TARD.

Hahaha. Went out with bunch of awesome friends on a brilliantly empty trip. Empty in the sense of we actually did not much stuff, except hanging out. But that's the point anyways. ;P

Bought dad's birthday present at Sunway Pyramid, and went to *freak out* Canton-i to have lunch with mom, and *double freak out* bought egg tarts FTW! Yay. I hope it's still in the fridge now. Geh. Another great thing - bought Marks&Spencer's Decaf Roast Coffee! Yay :D Now I can drink more coffee without worrying. Ahahaha.

Muazhazhazhazha!

Met up with the gang - with Dre, Faisal, Faiz, Ikhsan, Justine, Rebecca, Samantha. (F-a-i, oh yeah, z comes after s). No I did not retardedly arranged their names according to perfect, logical, alphabetical order! Yeah, we met in the library 'cause some of them are looking for books for TOEFL and were out of luck because most of them were already borrowed. Geez. Went to TBS to get Grade Reports and Reb and Faisal were playing pool in between the agendas. LOL.

Oh yeah, Justine was driving us to Klang (with Rebecca as instructor hehe), and we all teman-ed her for her first and second toll ever. :P

Went to Justine's place for quite a while. *hinthint iki* HAHAHA. Justine, you know what or who I'm talking about. Show it to me someday! Bleks! Well, THAT occured in reward to Justine's 1500-word blogpost, while the rest of us enjoyed the vids Iki made to commemorate the BBQ event which I was too friggin weak to attend. Curses. Just kidding. Hilarious and witty. Liked the part where Justine's appearance was accompanied by *LOL* SpongeBob SquarePants theme song. Not to mention Rebecca's part. HAHAHA. The vid for Evone's birthday was brilliant as well. I guess enough humiliation for you all! ;P

And thanks Iki and Sam for the keychain! :D

Went to Zhusko. I wish to cut the Pasta Mania part short. Trauma, I tell you. Traumatic.

Too bad dad came early. Had to leave early. Gah. I missed you guys! And all the fun. Thanks gazillions! Woohoo!! Please make it to Banting, guys! NO PRESSURE. Ahahaha.

Chocolate-chan. I must desist. Gomen.

Nazdar.

Currently retarding all plans I had from before.

Concentration is on building vocab for acing SAT.

And that friggin seducing, aesthetical Chemistry book I bought last weekend from my dearest Kino-chan!

GAH! I need 360 MYR! That friggin book is so awesome, but short of money. T^T

"Chemistry of The Elements". A must for chemists. Had a peek and swear the next book I buy will be that.

Either that, or Ravel's La Parade ;P

Or Rachmaninoff's Preludes. Gah! 0_o (And I didn't even finish practicing the printed ones. Despicable greed. And ignominy!)

DEAD wanting to compose something. Started. Four chords. Ended. Bah! I need more experience.

Priority 1: Memorize the dictionary -.-

Priority 2: Run the Dreadmill everyday.

Priority 3: Ditto

Priority 4: dittodittoditto.

Gah!!! I got FATTER THAN FAT!! T^T

Have mercy, DREADmill-sama.

p/s: Yeah, ignominy is from the Vocab list ;P go here in case >> dictionary.com

my grades and i. both suck.

*freaksout*

Not exactly.

Grades out saje lah.

Got A- for Chem. GAH!!!!! D':

Sucks hardcore!

No sarcasm intended, 'cause I really put effort in Chem. GAH!!!

*sulking all the way*

maths*

Let's do some maths today, shall we?

Okhaye.

First of all, I did not get hyped today.

Second to note, I did not go to Subang today.

Thirdly, I did not go to Vienna (piano shop) in Subang today.

And, I certainly did not touch and played and take pictures of a Steinway & Sons upright piano.

Did not.

Did not.

;P Did not.

Alright on to the maths, hmm.

Now, using differentiation (LAME) I have concluded that one tenth of my life had finally came into place.

Awesome.

1. Touch Steinway Upright piano.

2. Touch Steinway Grand piano.

3. Own Steinway Upright piano.

4. Own Steinway Grand piano.

5. Play Liszt.

6. Play Debussy's Sonata for Violin and Piano. *hinthint*

7. Find soulmate.

8. Play Rachmaninoff.

9. Play compositions for two pianos. *double hint*

10. Play piano concerti.

See? ONE out of ten. Oh and yeah, this list is only one of the lists I have in the 100 lists. ;P

>=D >=D >=D

ohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawshohmygawsh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah. I am gushing here. Sorry for being moody about not being able to play the piano properly.

BUT

ARGH!!!!!!!!!! GAWSH!!!!!

Can't believe my desktop is now flooded with FREE (read: F.R.E.E.!!!) piano sheet music! :D

Liszt Transcendental! :D

Chopin Polonaise! :D

Debussy La Plus Que Lente! :D

I've been waiting! Oh my gosh, I don't care if i break my hand now!!!!!!!! Gonna break it with awesome songs! :D GAWSH!!!! :D

Finally, a normal post.

I just realized I am once again turning my blog into a shitheap of bad stuffs again.

Alright, so some good news. Not exactly good, but at least satisfactory.

Went to Times Bookstore Pavilion yesterday. Yay. Bought a book for SAT. Gawsh. And of course a notebook and an eraser and two Pelican pens for .70 MYR FTW! :x

Actually planned to go to Kinokuniya. Ay. Dad wanted to go to Pavilion. And I was screwing up myself.

Argh. Kino-chan I miss you muackxxxxxx :D

Oh yeah, I am once again in exigency of the elements of management and organization in my life.

Aiks.

1. Emotional management, enough said.

2. Oh yeah, my tables a garbage pile again. I mean, my room.

3. Driving classes not arranged properly, and quarrelled with parents just because they want to bring me to MACEE one of the days to clear up some doubts, and I said driving was the priority. Mea culpa. Childish me. Oops.

4. And of course time management. I am becoming more and more nocturnal these days. -.-

p/s: Yeah, I looked up on dictionary dot com for the word 'exigency' ftw! :D

miláčku, potřebuji tě.

Just finished some stupid recital for mom's students.

Stupid. I screwed up.

The jitters. Jesus.

Stage fright.

When will i ever get over it? (miláčku! It would help if you were with me tho ;P)

Ah. Forget it. I'm not ever gonna play for an audience anyways, from evaluating my current ability to actually concentrate mentally.

Must.

Limteh.

Tonight!!!!

I need socializing.

p/s: do NOT try to translate the post title. Its embarassing. D: Just lemme have the fun ok?

třicátý post

I don't really feel good now.

Now I really realize what I can do soulfully is playing the piano ONLY.

What? Tendonitis? I still remember Ms Chew's words. I don't know. What can I do?

I don't want tendonitis.

My mom had a friend who hurt herself of playing too much octaves with her small hands.

She had to STOP playing for one whole year.

What?!

Will I be like that too? I don't want that. Now I can imagine artists who lost their hands unintentionally, and I feel tears trying to escape.

I FEEL the pain as I type. The ignorable pain. I always ignore it. Now the threat has occured to me - the fact that I may not be able to continue raging upon black and white keys like I did just now.

I played. None other than Uematsu-sama's FF7 'Tatakau Monotachi'.

Full of alternating scales and arppegios and so greatly, moving octaves.

I couldn't resist. It was the only song that I was able to play to display my inner turbulence.

Trying very hard to do Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata. It hurts SUPER. But I felt Beethoven. (Despite the consistent errors that made me go cuckoo.)

What can I do next? What if I lose the only valid love of life? Is it the end? Will I just be a conscious piece of organism made up of non-living biochemicals, providing pollution and problems?

It's intriguing to see how a day can change 180 degrees. My day started out tired. But I was hyper since I did quite well for driving. And I went super blank for the afternoon. Then went tired again. At last, I feel stupidly helpless. Like now.

Or can I do violin? Cello? Guitar? Anything but nothing!

I plead to you God, if you are there. I need my hands, and I need to play. Two things which contradicts in my life, no attainable solutions apparently. I am to stupid to realize how to avoid fatigues. And so conviniently I am to weak to supress my feelings to systematically control physical casualties on the keys.

My drawing is just ORDINARY btw, if anyone ever wonders, or reads this. I have no idea how to hone my drawing skills. And my imagination, creativity, and innovation, put into words - Limited.

Writing? Forget it. I may continue to improve my vocab but never succeed to reach out to people with words. I have no good networks with literacy. Which reminds me, I need to get an SAT review book.

I can't wait for the next semester to begin. Then I will forget everything. I will just perform my duty, get my degree, get great grades, get great scholarships, get real, and get away from anything that reminds me of the IDEALS.

What does getting real feels like? I bet it's awesome. Working hard for 4.0s, making great friends and discussing about further education, getting a 6-figure-pay job, counselling young lads to work hard and get good grades so they can be like you. Et cetera.

I need to get a life. One with PROPER socializing, one with PROPER exercises, one with PROPER concentration, one with PROPER hobbies, one with PROPER impressions, one with PROPER way of conveying messages. I need to sleep, lose consciousness, and forget.

Stranggle myself someday. And my death will be pathetic. Nothing will ever immortalize. Nothing.

jděte pryč.

Potřebuji se učit české

Nazdar :D

I am freaking intimidated by Czech now :D

Must.

Learn.

Some.

Czech.

Awesome.

Did you know that the words 'robot' and 'polka' came from the Czechs?

já tě miluji ;D

Oh my, I'm really gonna get my tongue tied up :s

gah.

OH MY.

They're not coming! T^T

HAHA. It's okay guys! Just another day of boredom, thatsall. ;D

NO PRESSURE!! XD

Holidays. Oh. My.

GOSH! :D

I am waiting for next wednesday.

Hope they make it :]

No pressure, guys. ;D

Yes, the gang MAY be coming to Banting. Whee. :D

We must avoid boredom!!

Argh, hand hurts from over-practicing again, but heck, mini-recitals on Saturday. Alamak.

Oh yeah, just got me the biggest pencil case ever! Macam handbag. Freak out! :D Synapse Japan Inc. FTW =]

Whee!!! Must. Get. Productive. Soon.

0////0 hehe. sorry. felt chinese for a while.

我不是我。

我。一個永遠都不會有存在的意義的東西。

我。一種奇妙又痛苦的感覺。

我。每一個我，都是特別的， 就像大家。

我。一個我本身很討厭的字，但是偏偏又像水流一樣，用個不停。

我。自我。

我。自私。

我。自。

難道真的辦不到“無我”之態嗎？

痛苦。

大家都有啊。

爲什麽人類就不能停下這種無理取鬧的感覺嗎？ 沒能力嗎？

還是，

無心？

我等著你呢。我什麽都不想要管。我要自由。我要從痛苦掏出勇氣。

沒有你，我辦不到嗎？

真的辦不到。也會連續不斷自責？這樣好嗎？

我停不到。

我要抱抱。

我不想存在。

[post title here]

"Everyone is unique, just like everyone else." :]

I feel that this world is of utter patheticalness now. Hehe.

"Do you know what's worth fighting for? When it's not worth dying for."

"One, 21 guns, Lay down your arms, give up the fight."

:)

HAHAHAHAHA!!

I LOVE ANDERSON & ROE!

Look at their K 448. =D Sweet.

青空のナミダ

Lyrics to the song I love now. Aozora no Namida = Tears of the Blue Sky.

So beautifully written.

In the darkness of being alone
I knew the meaning of your tears.
I embarked to a place prey,
I don’t want to hurt anyone

The wind blowing over the ocean,
Not getting lost today and heading towards tomorrow,
But somehow my heart won’t budge

*Regardless of the fate that awaits
I won’t to regret the things I live for
Because within sadness there is courage
I believe in taking a hold of that light

The pouring tears of the blue sky
Will someday become a smile

The wind following at a fast pace
Will slip through my fingers
The things I believe are still scary but,
But I’m not going to stop

The moon beats softly on my shoulders
And I will even forget getting lost
On the reflected moon road

Even if I wait for a tomrrow of nothing
A hand will give rise to something
And the chosen path will change
These strong feelings now, well up

The tears shed by the blue sky’s
Will surely clear up tomarrow

To where I look up,
That is where I am suppose to start.
I can go anywhere,
If I don’t give up on myself

*Repeat

The pouring tears of the blue sky
Will someday become a smile